The Deep End Part Two
22 Mar, 2025
THE Epiphany
The landmark moment in my life where I was confronted with my gender queerness was just this year. I'm talking February of 2025 recently.
Two of my partners closest friends had a joint birthday at a very hip restaurant. A Michelin star restaurant! *brag* It was as stupid and over priced as you think.
"Yes, we know what a bento is you ding-dong we ALL watch anime here!"
Being a cool, expensive restaurant means it's pretty small. Our party of eleven people had to be split into two tables/reservations.
Now, before I proceed, a quick note: This is a progressive crowd here. They all know each other from the art world. One of the birthday women's partner IS transfeminine. All the other women in the group are queer in some way.
When my wife and I arrived we approached the table and as I went to sit down our friend cheerily - and in no way maliciously - said, "Oh, it's girls here and boys there!"
Thats when it happened. The epiphany.
"but i am one of the girls"
*CRUSHED*
Then it all clicked into place.
-Comments and catchphrases through the years.-
-An argument with another - and likely gender queer friend - about who was more fem.-
First year of university I lived in the smallest dormitory on campus. This cute little historic building. While other were highrises with thousands of students, ours had less than twenty. There was another small dorm across the quad from us that had been established as a queer friendly dorm. Our groups became fast friends.
Now, at the time I was still fairly conservative and on track to becoming a minister.
No f***ing joke!
Despite that I really enjoyed the folks in that dorm (even if I felt out of place and confused about them). We all hung out together nearly daily. In fact one guy had initially lived with us, and his keycard still gave him access to our dorm, so we would wake up to find him or others in our common room. WHICH WAS AWESOME! I didn't understand why I loved it so much yet, but I loved it so much.
I would often say in this group and all my friend groups - as a joke and to "prove my straightness" (lol) - that, "I am a lesbian in a mans body."
While hanging out in this mixed group one of my best friends took me aside and said maaaybe I shouldn't make that joke since it had some real implications to it. I didn't super understand, but I respect the hell out of her (and I understand that as an autistic person I'm woefully ignorant of people) so I stopped saying it. It continued to be true though. Hell, this friend is maybe the person that gave, and still gives, me the most gender envy. God, she's beautiful
AND I WANT THAT FOR MEEEEEEEE
Now, I can recognize that and other behaviors in myself. The shifts from masc to femme. Talking in a folksy, masculine way to a very cute way. Walking in a lumbering way to making it tighter and giving more hip sway (please, notice my ass. God I want you to want my ASS!!! FUUUUUUUU----- )
My naturally long eye lashes.
My naturally long eye lashes in theatre while wearing eye liner.
Please, god, kiss me NOW!
*deep breath*
Having this epiphany. Knowing myself more now and retrospectively.
I want this all the time now.
I'm just trying to figure that out now.
How do I have this now? What can I do to make this a mainstay in my life?
...
Anyone?